Just Trying to Process it all

Life is getting overwhelming again. So much sadness and anger, combined with prolonged Winter weather do nothing to help the symptoms of living with depression and anxiety.

On the larger scale, my issues are minimal. I lost no one I knew in the murders in Boston. No one I knew lost limbs there. No one I knew lost someone they loved. I am seemingly unaffected, yet I am.I have an eight-year-old son. I can see him in Martin. I can't imagine having to say goodbye to any of my kids. Yet, I saw no joy in hearing the suspects were dead or near-dead. I wish those boys had gotten help before they resorted to violence.

Closer to home, a very good friend of mine lost her father this weekend. My heart breaks for her family. We came close to losing my husband's dad last year and were blessed that he pulled through against the odds. We did lose my husband's brother a little more than a year ago. Our family continues to feel the repercussions of his untimely death.

Another friend is dealing with a son who faces criminal charges because his mentally ill sister made up false allegations against him. Her family has been torn apart and she's such a great person with an even bigger heart.

Then there are the small things, that somehow blow up into bigger things. A comment, made in fun to lighten the mood results in insults and condescension. Hours of planning for a reunion derailed because it doesn't suit one person...who also uses insults and condescension to drag others down.

We all have our share of problems. They are all relative, of course. Even the same "problem" is not felt the same by different people. One person may spread hate, another may spread love and humor.

But honestly, I think this weather may be dragging a lot of people down. I hope the sun comes out soon.

I'm A LOT Less Funny and Interesting in Person

People that only "know" me online tell me all the time how funny, sweet, fun, and nice I am but that just goes to show you how things online are often deceiving. I'm not a jerk in real life, I don't think, but I'm also not a great conversationalist. Put me in a group and I'll either say nothing at all or I'll interrupt someone else when they're trying to talk because I can't ever seem to get the conversational cues right to know when I can interject. I've also been told that when I do talk, I usually offer something worthwhile.

It's possible these people that tell me that are just blowing smoke up my arse.

I wish I could go to a party or meet friends for a hot chocolate without a thought. When I get an invitation to go somewhere my immediate reaction is to say no. This is part of my temperament, this knee-jerk reaction to say no to every invite. Once I finally think things through and my answer turns toward yes I have another obstacle to overcome. The closer the time to leave for said event arrives, the more my stomach begins to roll. Outwardly, I look fine. My husband and kids will often not know I am freaking out. I push myself. One. Step. At. A. Time.  Keys in the ignition. Drive to the place. Deep breaths in the car in the parking lot. More deep breaths.

Entering the building creates a new wave of panic. What if no one showed up? What if I'm meeting no one? How stupid would I look to sit down and wait only to find no one arrives?

I push myself through the door and look around, trying to look normal, trying to look confident. I think it must work most of the time because people often comment they have no idea I have issues.

Often I rely on others to make the conversation. Often I sit awkwardly while others around me converse. I keep trying though.

I'm certain 50% of the people I encounter think I am aloof, or a bitch. If they only knew.

Welcome 2013!

We continued our tradition of celebrating New Year's Eve with the kids. We always eat appetizers for supper and have party hats, silly string and party poppers for our early countdown. There is always still plenty of time to clean up the confetti and silly string and still play games.

We had a dance party after the countdown, then played Mario Kart on the Wii. The Bigs stayed up until Midnight for the first time this year. D stayed up until 10, which is very late for her! 

I can't think of a better way to usher in a new year than being with my family and having fun together. We shared a lot of laughs, made a mess, cleaned it up and shared more laughs. 

Here's to hoping 2013 is healthier and happier than 2012.

Christmas Vacation and Stuff Less Funny Than That Movie

The best thing about Christmas, for me, is that my kids are home for three weeks. They have no school commitments, there is no band practice, there are no scouting events, they have several new toys to play with and keep them occupied, and we have nowhere we REALLY have to be. We can laze in our pajamas all day, enjoying one another and enjoying our Christmas presents. That's what we did yesterday. The TV hardly was on all day, but the Bigs got electronics so there was still plenty of screen time. It was pretty cold outside though, so I didn't feel like I needed to shoo them outdoors to freeze. Give me a few more days when the fighting starts, then I'll shove them out the door.

I keep thinking about the parents who are missing their kids this Christmas. Not just the parents in Newtown, but parents all over. My in-laws, for example. This is the first Christmas since my brother-in-law died. We talked to Craig's parents and they sounded relatively upbeat. I hope it wasn't just an act for the phone call. I'm so thankful to have so many loved ones around me this Christmas.

I always think I didn't buy/make enough for Christmas. This year I didn't feel that quite as much, because I know we did what we could and tried to make our gifts thoughtfully. Sometimes the cost of the gift is less important than how perfect it is for the person. I think I hit that right on in several cases, so I'm happy. Of course, I still wish I could do more.

For my kids' teachers, principal, office manager, nurse and support staff I got small gift cards ($5) but then wrote them each a personal thank you note. The gift cards are inconsequential, but my hope was that the note would mean something to the educators. I wanted to reiterate how much we appreciate everything they do. They are remarkable people and I love the school environment my children are in. I will be sad for M to graduate out at the end of this year.

For Christmas, we got Skylanders Giants for the Wii. I think I might like it even more than the Bigs do. I always was a Spiro the Dragon fan. The game was on sale at Target for $49.99, probably more than I should have spent, but it was $30 off! What a bargain, right?

Craig and I bought each other food, which was obviously not the greatest choice given the size of me lately. It's time I put on my big girl panties on this issue I suspect. Quit hiding behind all my excuses. My dream is to become a runner, though I have never been a great runner. Resolved: I will do my inhalers (for asthma) like I am supposed to do twice daily. I will restart the C25K somehow. Maybe I will have to freeze and run.

Merry Christmas!