Drive

For some, driving is therapy. In high school and junior college I drove countless miles to nowhere. Usually, a mood provoked the drive. Something happened that upset me or I was just feeling down in general. Something about being behind the wheel worked magic on me. I'd turn the radio (or whatever cassette suited my fancy) up and explore the outskirts of town, sometimes at the wee hours of the morning. It was the night that drew me most often, when most people were tucked into their respective beds, dead to the world. Night has always drawn me. It's the solitude, but it has always needed to be solitude with the illusion of protection. My car was my protection on those drives. The doors locked, windows cracked, and a healthy common sense, I was mostly safe.

This afternoon, I was upset, and for the first time in many years I took to the road for comfort. I had a sleepy dog, a sleepy child and an hour to spare. My route circumvented the city--not nearly the haphazard route of my youth driving adventures, but still just enough time and solitude to put events into perspective. Our pup nodded off immediately, having just been on a long walk. D's head bobbed and weaved until the Sandman took the TKO.

But this time, I had the radio off. The quiet snores from the back seat were music enough to me.

I Miss This Space

I really loved this space. The writing, the sharing, the reveling in the mutual appreciation of the beauty of my children. Time has gotten in the way of writing. Obligations have gotten in the way of writing. I'm fairly sure there is no one left here to read my writing, but I wish I could still write, if for no one else, than for myself and my kids (to read when they're older).

Ms. D turned ONE WHOLE HAND and says funnier stuff than I ever remember the other two kids saying...and that's saying A LOT because they said some really funny stuff.

M and K are almost 11 and 9, respectively. M is going to middle school next year, a thought that terrifies me. My son is still struggling with his learning disabilities, but he's improved a lot on his reading abilities.

We put our cat down in November and somehow came home with a new puppy two weeks ago, so our "we're going to wait a year after the cat dies before we get another pet" totally went to shit. But, dang, this pup is sweet and cute and the kids are in love. They alternate between being completely helpful and completely blaise about helping. I can admit an 8-week-old puppy is a lot of work. (We got her at 7 weeks)

She's a wonderful addition to our family...and already loved so much. I apologize to her if I call her Chat once in a while. I do still miss my kitty.

Just Trying to Process it all

Life is getting overwhelming again. So much sadness and anger, combined with prolonged Winter weather do nothing to help the symptoms of living with depression and anxiety.

On the larger scale, my issues are minimal. I lost no one I knew in the murders in Boston. No one I knew lost limbs there. No one I knew lost someone they loved. I am seemingly unaffected, yet I am.I have an eight-year-old son. I can see him in Martin. I can't imagine having to say goodbye to any of my kids. Yet, I saw no joy in hearing the suspects were dead or near-dead. I wish those boys had gotten help before they resorted to violence.

Closer to home, a very good friend of mine lost her father this weekend. My heart breaks for her family. We came close to losing my husband's dad last year and were blessed that he pulled through against the odds. We did lose my husband's brother a little more than a year ago. Our family continues to feel the repercussions of his untimely death.

Another friend is dealing with a son who faces criminal charges because his mentally ill sister made up false allegations against him. Her family has been torn apart and she's such a great person with an even bigger heart.

Then there are the small things, that somehow blow up into bigger things. A comment, made in fun to lighten the mood results in insults and condescension. Hours of planning for a reunion derailed because it doesn't suit one person...who also uses insults and condescension to drag others down.

We all have our share of problems. They are all relative, of course. Even the same "problem" is not felt the same by different people. One person may spread hate, another may spread love and humor.

But honestly, I think this weather may be dragging a lot of people down. I hope the sun comes out soon.

I'm A LOT Less Funny and Interesting in Person

People that only "know" me online tell me all the time how funny, sweet, fun, and nice I am but that just goes to show you how things online are often deceiving. I'm not a jerk in real life, I don't think, but I'm also not a great conversationalist. Put me in a group and I'll either say nothing at all or I'll interrupt someone else when they're trying to talk because I can't ever seem to get the conversational cues right to know when I can interject. I've also been told that when I do talk, I usually offer something worthwhile.

It's possible these people that tell me that are just blowing smoke up my arse.

I wish I could go to a party or meet friends for a hot chocolate without a thought. When I get an invitation to go somewhere my immediate reaction is to say no. This is part of my temperament, this knee-jerk reaction to say no to every invite. Once I finally think things through and my answer turns toward yes I have another obstacle to overcome. The closer the time to leave for said event arrives, the more my stomach begins to roll. Outwardly, I look fine. My husband and kids will often not know I am freaking out. I push myself. One. Step. At. A. Time.  Keys in the ignition. Drive to the place. Deep breaths in the car in the parking lot. More deep breaths.

Entering the building creates a new wave of panic. What if no one showed up? What if I'm meeting no one? How stupid would I look to sit down and wait only to find no one arrives?

I push myself through the door and look around, trying to look normal, trying to look confident. I think it must work most of the time because people often comment they have no idea I have issues.

Often I rely on others to make the conversation. Often I sit awkwardly while others around me converse. I keep trying though.

I'm certain 50% of the people I encounter think I am aloof, or a bitch. If they only knew.

Welcome 2013!

We continued our tradition of celebrating New Year's Eve with the kids. We always eat appetizers for supper and have party hats, silly string and party poppers for our early countdown. There is always still plenty of time to clean up the confetti and silly string and still play games.

We had a dance party after the countdown, then played Mario Kart on the Wii. The Bigs stayed up until Midnight for the first time this year. D stayed up until 10, which is very late for her! 

I can't think of a better way to usher in a new year than being with my family and having fun together. We shared a lot of laughs, made a mess, cleaned it up and shared more laughs. 

Here's to hoping 2013 is healthier and happier than 2012.