I Hope to Notice More Often

Any mention of entering the dollar store will generally make my big kids giddy with excitement. There are few other stores that offer such variety of candy, crafts, books, stickers, storage containers, toys, music, what-have-you, that my children salivate eagerly at the idea of being able to choose perhaps two or three things that Mom will buy.

The last several months, we have avoided the toy aisles altogether. My kids have an abundance of toys and we really don't need 4 more trinket toys that will break 3.5 seconds after we exit the store. These days my kids head straight for the craft supplies.

I tell you all this in a long-winded fashion to say that we went to the dollar store yesterday afternoon. The big kids each picked out a bag of pom poms, a package of poster boards and a spelling book for M and a Kindergarten workbook for K. We went to stand in the very short line to check out, and when it was our turn M put her items on the counter first and asked for her own bag. (Both kids require their OWN bag for their stuff no matter where we go.) Then K put his stuff up and requested his own bag. While the cashier was ringing in his items, placing them in the bag and handing the bag to him, K commented "Thank you for buying this cool stuff for me Mom!"

Since I was finishing up the transaction, I murmured "you're welcome" admittedly distractedly. It hardly registered that K had thanked me, to be honest. As I was putting my change in my purse I caught the eye of the woman standing in line behind me. She clapped her hand to her heart and said "That was so sweet and so polite!" She may have had a little tear in her eye.

So it occurred to me that I do have good kids who do the right thing probably more often than not, but I am often too distracted to notice or acknowledge it. That has to be the surest way to ensure they will eventually stop doing those things, right? I need to change and recognize those good moments. It's more empowering for the kids to know what they're doing right and well than it is to tell them what they're doing wrong all the time.

Positivity! (Speaking of that, I forgot to pick the winner! Whoops! My bad. Drawing name now...be right back. The Random Number Generator picked comment #1! So that's you Holly! I'll try to get those bracelets sent out tomorrow.)

I need help.

I picked up Miss M from Kindergarten today, as usual. What isn't so usual is that one of the teachers mentioned that there was a note in her backpack about some issues M's been having. Immediately a sense of dread overcame me and I had to park the car so I could retrieve the note.

More not listening. In the classroom and on the playground. She's "this close" to another detention because she can't seem to listen and follow the rules. (Including throwing snow on the playground, apparently not allowed.)

The first quarter of school she did wonderfully. Since November, it's been down hill.

I've sent her to her room to be by herself because I'm angry that she's not listening at school and I want to knock her head off. I've made a critical error by believing her when she's said that she's had few reminders at school. Obviously that isn't the case.

The only thing I can think of that's caused this change in her is the news that the baby is on the way (although she seems very happy about the baby) or just that she's following what her "friends" at school are doing.

I don't know what to do. I'm having trouble coming up with logical, related consequences for this. Any ideas?

Is it over yet?

Christmas, I mean. Is it over yet?

Because I'm fairly certain that my kids are trying to behave the worst they possibly can this month. Maybe they just want a lump of coal.

I've done the mean mommy threatening thing. "Santa asks Moms and Dads how kids have been behaving too." Or, "I guess I'll call Santa and make sure he's watching you right now."

I've done the mean mommy has lost her mind thing. "Maybe I'll just take all your presents back to the store since the way you're acting sounds like you don't want any presents!"

To which K will always respond "I'm not acting Mommy!" and M will just crumple her sweet face all up and cry.

Clearly they don't get it that my head is about to explode.

In the past weeks I have said each of these phrases at least 436,782 times each:

K, get your feet off my seat.
K, stop kicking my seat.
Stop doing that.
It is time for bed, not time for playing.
Don't touch that.
Did you hear me?
Then why are you still touching that?
Hellooooo? Is anyone listening to me?
Do not kick Mommy.
Do you like it when Mommy yells at you?
Just eat your supper please.
Sit down and eat.
Is that where that goes?

Oh, there are many more where they came from...believe me.

I, apparently have issues. Obviously what I am doing isn't working with my kids so I need to learn a new way of doing things.

A refresher in Love and Logic perhaps.

Or maybe I just need the big fat man in the red suit to come and go so we can just get back to normal life without feeling like we need to do all this "special" stuff too.

Decision Training?

I was at my last ECFE class with my kids last Tuesday when a parent brought up a particular child in her neighborhood who is not as well-behaved as most of the other parents in the area would like. This parent went on to say that the mother of the child does little to discipline him.

I sat in silence during most of the group time, feeling uncomfortable as the other parents lobbed judgemental tisk-tisks and made suggestions like telling the mother that everyone in the neighborhood thinks she's a rotten parent (or something slightly more tactful) or simply removing her own child from the boy by retreating into her house every time this kid is outside.

While driving home from the class, it hit me what was bothering me about the conversation.

Everyone was focused on the rotten kid with the rotten parents who did nothing. They never once thought that their child will ever be seen as unruly or undisciplined. They thought things like simply banning the use or even touching of toys like squirt guns would ensure that their children will never act aggressively or bratty.

The thing is, your kids are going to meet rotten people all their lives. I know we all want to protect our kids but I am beginning to see that this sheltering could really be doing them a great disservice.

Why not give our own children the tools to make things better for themselves? The reality is, we won't be there to protect our kids at all times. Nor should we be. I'm willing to bet that our kids will be the ones that another parent is shaking his head at more than once. Kids will pick up on less-than-desirable things from a variety of sources --including their own parents.

Perhaps instead of isolating the rotten kids we should simply teach our own children the "right" way to behave and let them decide for themselves that they don't want to be with kids who act inappropriately. Once they are teenagers and met with kids who smoke or use illegal drugs or the host of other things no parent wants their kids to engage in, they will be secure in their abilities to stand up for their values and choose to not partake.

My kids are smart enough to learn these things but they won't learn if I don't give them the tools and opportunity to practice when the consequences of choosing to "hang" with the "rotten" kids are small.

I'm not saying to let the rotten kid beat up on our kids. I'll be the first to step in and tell the kid not to hit --even if his parent is nearby and within earshot. I have no problem parenting someone else's child if they either didn't see the incident or if they simply chose to ignore it. No one hurts my kid and gets off scott-free.

But if the kid is just saying naughty things or playing with toys we don't particularly care for, I think there is some value in letting our children hear and see those things while explaining that our families value different things. Our kids will likely make choices that we wish they wouldn't make at first, but with enough practice and enough reinforcement of our values, the message will still get through. And in time that the big decisions are easy to make, and choose the "right" choice.

At least I hope so.

What is up with that?

Is it a rule that when women get older that they turn into raging bitches? I'm just wondering because within the last year I have gotten more icy stares and disapproving head shakes than I care to admit.

They have all been from older women.

What makes these women become so bitter and uncharitable to a fellow woman who is most likely where she was a couple of decades ago?

I don't understand it.

If this is how I must act when I am older I'm beginning to think that it would be better to not live that long. Seriously. How much fun is life if you are irritated even by a little boy singing along with his big sister's choir concert? How bitter are you if you are irritated by a little boy having fun playing with a truck while his big sister has her swimming lesson?

I don't remember getting these looks when my daughter was K's age, but I think I left her home much of the time with my Dad when I needed to do grocery shopping and such. I probably was also so sleep-deprived that my eyes were barely open anyway.

Or maybe people are just not as tolerant of little boys being little boys.

Whatever. I'm tired of the angry old ladies giving me looks and saying inappropriate things to me.

Some days the kids are just going to be little shits. Deal with it old ladies. I'm not going to ruin my day so that you don't have to listen to my children for 5 minutes.

I sort of feel sorry for those old bitties. What kind of life must they be living?

Okay. No I don't.

Live like there's no tomorrow

You can't live your life in fear. It's no way to live and gives others the upper hand on your life. But you also shouldn't live like you'll always have the chance to set things right with the people you love and care about.

The events last week at Virginia Tech sicken me. At the same time, I wonder how many of those killed thought that they had all the time in the world. How many said something in anger, not realizing their hurtful words would be the last they said to someone they care about?

Thinking about this has made me more conscious of my tone of voice when speaking to my family. Kids are generally not trying to piss people off. They are learning. Unfortunately a lot of the learning occurs when they make mistakes. But if they can't screw up around their family who love them without being made to feel that they are worthless because of a mistake (which are small in most cases), how will they have the confidence to venture out in the world?

I'm the first to admit that I yell at my kids more often than I should. I start out calmly telling them to stop doing something and the volume increases as they seemingly ignore me until I'm screaming at them. It's a fault of mine that I feel strongly that I need to obliterate.

I've been reading Fay's Love and Logic Magic For Early Childhood and attempting to use the information. They give great suggestions for dealing with the usual kid stuff that drives parents nuts. And it seems to work. In fact, it works better than yelling and everyone feels better at the end of the day.

If I should not be here tomorrow, I want my last words to my kids to be delivered in a loving and respectful tone. Because that's how I want to be treated, and so do kids. Maybe my last words would be corrective in nature, but they can be loving in tone. I will be assured that my kids will most likely know that I loved them, no matter what.

I shudder to think that my kids might remember their mommy having a tantrum more than their mommy lovingly reading them a book or even their mommy whispering "I love you" in their ears.

Too often, we say things in anger to cause another person to feel bad. Mostly, I think we say things like that because we're feeling poorly about ourselves.

I'm working on my own issues so that I don't burden my children or the rest of my family with them.

Because I love them that much.

Expectations

Are my expectations for my children’s behavior set too high?

I am so tired of telling my kids not to touch something and 30 seconds later they touch it anyway. My kids start jumping off the couch? I start by calmly telling them to stop. They ignore me. So, my voice gets progressively louder until I’m essentially screaming at them to stop. They will then stop for about 5 minutes, then continue on as though I’d said nothing to them. I can’t even tell you how many times I have told them to not touch their nightlights, or to not try to plug anything into the outlets. Obviously this is a really dangerous practice, but I don’t know how to instill that fact in them.

My expectations:

I expect that I should be able to tell my children to stop doing something and they will stop. I expect that I will only have to tell my children something is dangerous 10 times before they heed my warning and I no longer have to worry about that danger.

I expect more from Miss M. I expect her to stop sooner than her brother. I expect her to not get as carried away so easily. She’s 4 ½ (almost).

Therein lies the problem. She’s 4 ½ and I think she should know better. But as I type 4 ½, I see that so clearly. She’s ONLY 4 ½. Fewer than 5 short years ago, she was still growing in my belly.

At the same time that I realize I have set my expectations too high, I think, well, expectations should be set high, to motivate children to rise up to those expectations. Except most of the time they don’t.

Clearly this is my issue.

What am I doing wrong? This parenting thing is apparently too difficult for me. I have too many questions and too few answers. Moments of clarity when I know just what to say or do are few and far between.

My son is in the process of giving up naps, but when he doesn’t nap he is so tired that he has major meltdowns. I just let him finish what he needs to do, (scream, cry, hit me) while I’m holding him (if we’re not in public). I tell him calmly that he may get down when he is ready to be pleasant again. These are major tantrums, people. He’s had them in stores, in the hallway at church, home, wherever. In public, he throws himself to the ground and shrieks as though I’m stabbing him. Or, if he’s confined to a grocery cart, he’ll throw his body as far back in the cart as possible—to the point that I worry that he’s going to flip out of the seat. People look at me, and him. I feel their judgmental stares and mostly don’t care. But sometimes, when I’m tired, those looks just make it worse.

Input from others:

Parents with older kids say things like “You think it’s hard now, just wait!” Yeah, your kids are older than mine are, I get that. But how is it helpful to say condescending things like that to me? I really try to not say things like that to people, but instead say something like “you know, having 2 kids really got easier once the baby was about 5-6 months old.” You know, a glimmer of hope.

There’s a woman at my church, who, as far as I know, has no children. So, she has no idea what it’s like to try to chase a 2-year-old around the halls while his big sister is in choir practice. But she wants the parents to stay on-site. I’ve requested that the nursery be opened so that he can play in there for the hour, but it’s never open when we get there.

There are just some things you can’t expect kids to do. They’re kids, after all.

Which brings me back to my expectations.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that my 4-year-old doesn’t hit people. I’ve told her that they won’t allow it in Kindergarten and that when people grow up if they hit someone they have to go to jail. Too much? Maybe. But it still isn’t sinking in. She’s teaching this hitting to her brother, and that drives me insane.

I expect my kids to say please and thank you. I just do. If they want something from me or anyone else they need to say please. If they forget, I prompt them.

I expect my kids to hold onto my hand in parking lots and streets. At the very least, Miss M must hold on to whatever package or bag that I’m carrying that’s preventing me from having another free hand. Once in a while she doesn’t have to hold on, but she must stick to my side like glue. I know, a no-brainer rule, but M has run out of buildings and into parking lots without me. Her zest for life is commented on by strangers constantly, and it is also a constant source of fear for me.

So what do I do?

Do any of you have some solutions for me? I’m looking to those of you who are currently in the trenches with me with at least 2 preschoolers. Not that the rest of you don’t have advice, (and feel free to tell me how terrible it has yet to get) but I’d like to hear from those who are feeling my pain right now.